Thus Spoke Amby

Thoughts From The Workplace of amby...

1. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
 Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

2.If at first you don't succeed, try management.

3.Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

4.TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

5.Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

6.When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

7.INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

;))

Good One ...

  An elderly gent was invited to his old 
friends` home for dinner one evening. 
 He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
 to his  wife with endearing terms calling her Honey, 
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The  couple had been married 
almost 70 years, and it seemed they were still  very much in love. While 
the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his  
buddy,   "I think its wonderful that, after all these years you`ve 
been married, you  still call your wife those loving pet names." The 
old man hung his head. "I  have to tell you the truth," he said. 
 "I forgot her name about ten years ago."   

Hagar on marriage :-) 

calvin ..... 

Calvin ..... 

calvin .....

What does marriage means????

Courtroom Quotations

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* *Lawyer*: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
* *Witness*: "I only have one, you know."

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* *Lawyer*: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?"
* *Witness*: "By death."
* *Lawyer*: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

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* *Accused, Defending His Own Case*: "Did you get a good look at my
face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

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* *Lawyer*: "What is your date of birth?"
* *Witness*: "July 15th."
* *Lawyer*: "What year?"
* *Witness*: "Every year."

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* *Lawyer*: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
* *Witness*: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was
stolen from the hall closet."
* *Lawyer*: "Can you identify the rifle?"
* *Witness*: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
* *Lawyer*: "And what did the writing say?"
* *Witness*: "'Winchester'!"

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* *Lawyer*: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
* *Witness*: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

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* *Lawyer*: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you
looked like?"
* *Witness*: "No. He was wearing a mask."
* *Lawyer*: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
* *Witness*: "Er...his face."

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* *Lawyer*: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at
all?"
* *Witness*: "Yes."
* *Lawyer*: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
* *Witness*: "I forget."
* *Lawyer*: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?"

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* *Lawyer*: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
* *Witness*: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
* *Lawyer*: "How long has he lived with you?"
* *Witness*: "Forty-five years."

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* *Lawyer*: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke that morning?"
* *Witness*: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
* *Lawyer*: "And why did that upset you?"
* *Witness*: "My name is Susan."

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* *Lawyer*: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
* *Witness*: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

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* *Lawyer*: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
* *Witness*: "After the accident?"
* *Lawyer*: "Before the accident."
* *Witness*: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school
for it."

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* *Lawyer*: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red
and blue lights flashing?"
* *Witness*: "Yes."
* *Lawyer*: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her
car?"
* *Witness*: "Yes, sir."
* *Lawyer*: "What did she say?"
* *Witness*: "'What disco am I at?'"

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* *Lawyer*: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?"
* *Witness*: "No."
* *Lawyer*: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* *Witness*: "No."
* *Lawyer*: "Did you check for breathing?"
* *Witness*: "No."
* *Lawyer*: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?"
* *Witness*: "No."
* *Lawyer*: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
* *Witness*: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
* *Lawyer*: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
* *Witness*: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."

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* *Lawyer*: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"

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* *Lawyer*: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
* *Officer*: "Yes, I do."
* *Lawyer*: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the
time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
* *Officer*: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

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* *Lawyer*: "What happened then?"
* *Witness*: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you
can identify me.'"
* *Lawyer*: "Did he kill you?"
* *Witness*: "No."

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* *Lawyer*: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
* *Witness*: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the
compliment."

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* *Lawyer*: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

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* *Lawyer*: "So you were gone until you returned?"

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* *Lawyer*: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

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* *Lawyer*: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

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* *Witness*: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
* *Lawyer*: "Was this a male or a female?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?"
* *Witness*: "I went to Europe, sir."
* *Lawyer*: "And you took your new wife?"

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* *Lawyer*: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that
picture."
* *Witness*: "That's me."
* *Lawyer*: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Were you present in court this morning when you were
sworn in?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
* *Witness*: "I'll be three months on November 8."
* *Lawyer*: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
* *Witness*: "Yes."
* *Lawyer*: "What were you doing at that time?"

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* *Lawyer*: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
* *Witness*: "Four times."

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* *Lawyer*: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

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* *Lawyer*: "She had three children, right?"
* *Witness*: "Yes."
* *Lawyer*: "How many were boys?"
* *Witness*: "None."
* *Lawyer*: "Were there girls?"

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* *Lawyer*: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it
looked like, but can you describe it?"

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* *Lawyer*: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
* *Witness*: "Yes."
* *Lawyer*: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
* *Witness*: "Not yet."

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* *Lawyer*: /(realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid
question)/ "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

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* *Lawyer*: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined
the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
* *Witness*: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
* *Lawyer*: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

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* *Lawyer*: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
* *Witness*: "Borofkin."
* *Lawyer*: "What's his first name?"
* *Witness*: "I can't remember."
* *Lawyer*: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?"
* *Witness*: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." /(rising and
pointing to his brother-in-law)/ "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell
them your first name!"

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* *Lawyer*: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
* *Witness*: "I refuse to answer that question.
* *Lawyer*: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
* *Witness*: "I refuse to answer that question.
* *Lawyer*: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
* *Witness*: "No."

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* *Lawyer*: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
* *Witness*: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

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* *Lawyer*: "What is your marital status?"
* *Witness*: "Fair."

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* *Lawyer*: "Are you married?"
* *Witness*: "No, I'm divorced."
* *Lawyer*: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
* *Witness*: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

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* *Lawyer*: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
* *Witness*: "My ex-widow said it.

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* *Lawyer*: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
* *Witness*: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her
children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

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* *Lawyer*: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
* *Witness*: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

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* *Lawyer*: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
* *Witness*: "Yes sir."
* *Lawyer*: "Before or after he died?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
* *Witness*: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

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* *The Court*: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

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* *Lawyer*: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
* *Witness*: "No."
* *Lawyer*: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
* *Witness*: "Picking them up in the air."
* *Lawyer*: "Where was the dog at this time?"
* *Witness*: "Attached to the ears."

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* *Lawyer*: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted
to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints
on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?"
* *Other Lawyer*: "Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot."

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* *Lawyer*: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok?
What school do you go to?"
* *Witness*: "Oral."
* *Lawyer*: "How old are you?"
* *Witness*: "Oral."

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* *Lawyer*: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
* *Witness*: "She is my daughter."
* *Lawyer*: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not,
where there was a victim?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't
know anything about it until the next morning?"

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* *Lawyer*: "And what did he do then?"
* *Witness*: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
* *Lawyer*: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

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* *Lawyer*: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered
you indignities?"
* *Witness*: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have
the furniture."

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* *Lawyer*: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what
did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
* *Witness*: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the
hospital."
* *Lawyer*: "It was covered?"
* *Witness*: "Yes, bandaged."
* *Lawyer*: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
* *Witness*: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
removed and put on top of my head."

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* *Lawyer*: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
* *Witness*: "I could see his head."
* *Lawyer*: "And where was his head?"
* *Witness*: "Just above his shoulders."

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* *Lawyer*: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
* *Witness*: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty
drunk."

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* *Lawyer*: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
* *Witness*: "The victim lived."

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* *Lawyer*: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an
unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the
fracas."
* *Witness*: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the
naval."

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* *Lawyer*: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was
under the influence?"
* *Witness*: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't
pronunciate his words."

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Jokes :

Bill and Hillary

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before
the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his
ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the
field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr.
President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first
pitch."

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Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell
me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years
after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in
the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
==========================================================
CAREER AT A HELP DESK

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still
on my desk... sorry .

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Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Is that your left or my left?

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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and.....

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it !

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Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it
says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but
the computer still says it can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red ...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!
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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a Capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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A customer couldn't get on the Internet: -
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed screensaver on my computer, but every time I move
the mouse, it disappears !
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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.Can You
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
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Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter " a ", but how do I get the circle
around it?
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Joke :Who ate the developers?

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developer has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no one has noticed anything, and now you ate ONE developer and it got noticed. So hereafter don't eat a person who is working"

Calvin : The Human Insect

Joke(A):Relax for a minute ...

A bus that was full of nuns got into an accident, and all of the nuns
died. So, in Heaven, there's St. Peter and the Pearly Gates. Well, since
nuns are so good, they have their own special gateway to Heaven.

St. Peter saw the nuns from the bus lined up outside this gate and he
left his post and went over to them. "Okay, sisters, you were all good
and holy in life, and so you will get into Heaven. But before you do, I
must ask each of you a question."

He went up to the first nun and asked, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The nun blushed and said, "Yes, but only with the tips of my fingers."
St. Peter held out a bowl of water he was carrying.

"Alright, Sister. Dip the tips of your fingers into this bowl and you
will be purified. Then you may enter Heaven." The nun dipped her fingers
in & entered Heaven.

St. Peter moved to the next nun. "Have you ever touched a penis?" The
nun blushed and confessed, "I have, but only with my left hand." St.
Peter held out the bowl to her. "Then dip your hand into this bowl and
you will be purified and can enter Heaven." The nun dipped her hand in &
entered Heaven.

Suddenly, there was a commotion. A nun came rushing up from the back of
the line and cut in front of the others.

"Sister, Sister," St. Peter laughed kindly, "there's no need to rush!
Every one of you will get in to Heaven!"

"Oh, I know," the nun said, "I just wanted to gargle the water before
Sister Mary Catherine puts her ass in it!"

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Note: It was yet another forward to me. so just uploaded it here. No
Hard feelings ......
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