Jokes: Disorder in the Court

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.Some of these are excellent - Don't
miss the last one.

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Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?

A: Gucci sweat-shirt and Reeboks.

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

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Q How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: By whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when h e woke up

that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the

autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes,it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

somewhere...
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Heights ...

1. What is height of Fashion?

Dhoti with a zip.

2. What is height of Secrecy?

Offering black visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness ?

Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?

Adopt a child.

5. What is height of Craziness?

Getting a black paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?

Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?

A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?

A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?

A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?

A cow giving milk powder.

jokes :Three Ducks ...

*Three Ducks in the Bar ******

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each
hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few
drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the
animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go
to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The
Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?"
He says to the first duck.

"Huey" said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".

"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?".

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".

"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
fucking day".
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*Three Tough Mouse ******

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar,
turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my
back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in
my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both,
slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies.
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it
home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I
can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't
have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
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*Two Men at a Bar ******

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of
hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman
sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to
dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken
shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you
be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now
I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the
friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would
rather shit in her pants."

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Jokes : Warm Beer ...

*Warm Beer ****

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and
notices the beer is kind of warm. so he mentions something to the
bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer. Then it is
time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender
the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed and
is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business" and lets him in.
Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note. The bartender goes to
the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar
bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub.
The bartender says: "there is your fucking change!"

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes,
throws them behind the counter and says: "Gimme another beer!"
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*When does the Bar Open? ******

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can
have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
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*Wife's Photograph ******

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his
shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and
asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night
long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before
you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to
look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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*A Blonde's New Job ******

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with
Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay
at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The
blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde
had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great,"
he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only
accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the
average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the
new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you
did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one
mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's
keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther
away from the bucket."
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*Blonde in a Boeing ***** *

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never
been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as
she boarded the plane,a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement,
running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!!
BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears
the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts, "BE
SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a
moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
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80 with 18.... Anything is Possible...

*An 80-year-old dude is having his annual checkup.*
*Doctor**:How are You feeling?*

*Man:** "I've never been better! I've got 18 year old bride who's
pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that"?*

*Doctor:** "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid
hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry
and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in
the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises
up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. The bear
drops dead in front of him." *

*Man:** "That's impossible! Someone else must have fired a gun."*

*Doctor:** "Exactly!" *

Malayali jokes

Name the wonly part of the werld, where Malayalis don't werk hard?
Kerala

Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and
re-tying the lungi.

Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in the Gelff.

Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.

What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

Why did the Malayali go to the concert in Rome?
Because he wanted to hear pope music.

What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.

Why did his wife divorce him?
Because he was louwing another woman.

Who found out that?
His aandy.

What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his nam e from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.

Who is Malayali's fyamousu eactor end aectress?
Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.

Why Kerala is the heghly literate state in India?
Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapal from Kerala

Which car does he purchase when he gets license?
Second hand Mercedes.

Its My Life 

What is the fullform of MATHS? :) :)

Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

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Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is
my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

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Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly Affected teachers harrasing students

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Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student: A holiday

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Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

_____

Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."

Little Jonny ...

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one  holding the axe?

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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked. 
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"

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Little Johnny was getting bad grades in school.   One day he  stepped up to the teacher's desk, and announced,  "I don't want to scare you Miss Finch, but daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is gonna get  a spanking."

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My  Mom is a good cook."

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Little Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math.
"Why?" asked his father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*@#%! difference?" asked his dad.
Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"
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Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school.
His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"
Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow.

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The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls
of Jericho?"
Little Johnny replies,  "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and
relates the whole incident.
The principal replies,  "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them;
if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I,  as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."
Even more appalled,  the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole
story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"
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bride and her father

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom. They reached
the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed
something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given
to the father by bride.The father could feel the suspense in the air and
all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my
life."Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and
continued, "My daughter finally, returned my credit card to me."The
whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.

Joke : programmer V/s Manager !!!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon

further and shouts, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend

I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man below says, 'Yes. You are in a hot air balloon,

hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40

and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West
longitude.'

'You must be a programmer,' says the balloonist.

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is

technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your

information, and the fact is I am still lost.'

The man below says, 'You must be a project manager

'I am,' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'you don't know where you are, or where

you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to

keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.'

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Jokes ....

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*A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub ******

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The
place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.
As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May
I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in
there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the
stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I
don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music
and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the
toilet, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on
the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"

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*A Thief walks into the Bar ******

Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man, and the other
a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar and order drinks.

About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun. He walks
up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, and says, "you've got
fifteen minutes to live, what do you want to do with the rest of your
life?"

The big guy says, " I want to fuck everything that moves!"

The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "you've got fifteen
minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"

The little guy says, "Stand real still!"
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*Drunk in a Bathroom ******

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that,
the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........

"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

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$64k Question ...

*$64k Question ******

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The
night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a
question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the
studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the
best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know
that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000
dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed
a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you
know, you may answer either part
first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier.
Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it,
but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject,
but he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second
half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation......

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

*Brain Pills ******

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his
hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They
are brain pills...they make you smart."

The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the
drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he
comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.

"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down
another one.

Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he
looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this
is nothing but sheep manure!"

"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

*Control Over Wives ******

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about
the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third
remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well,
what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came
to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered,
She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

*Drunk Irishman *******

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on
his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home
and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through
the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he
falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

*Embarrassing Situation ******

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to
her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for
a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring
at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Wish i had the guts of this Girl ...

This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you
out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for
you. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver
for being smart and funny while making her point when confronted with
a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. if
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to
get in line for that too.