Jokes ....

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*A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub ******

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The
place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.
As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May
I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in
there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the
stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I
don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music
and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the
toilet, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on
the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"

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*A Thief walks into the Bar ******

Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man, and the other
a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar and order drinks.

About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun. He walks
up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, and says, "you've got
fifteen minutes to live, what do you want to do with the rest of your
life?"

The big guy says, " I want to fuck everything that moves!"

The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "you've got fifteen
minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"

The little guy says, "Stand real still!"
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*Drunk in a Bathroom ******

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that,
the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........

"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

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