jokes :Three Ducks ...

*Three Ducks in the Bar ******

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each
hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few
drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the
animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go
to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The
Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?"
He says to the first duck.

"Huey" said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".

"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?".

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".

"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
fucking day".
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*Three Tough Mouse ******

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar,
turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my
back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in
my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both,
slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies.
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it
home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I
can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't
have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
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*Two Men at a Bar ******

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of
hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman
sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to
dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken
shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you
be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now
I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the
friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would
rather shit in her pants."

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